Realizations

Monday passed quickly, we were so tired and everything that was happening was new. We were trying to understand everything that was being told to us and everything that was being done to Justin. We were meeting dozens of hospital staff and learning the routines of the hospital.
From this point on, days and nights would start to run together. Justin was sleeping most of the time. Now I realize that even when he was awake, the morphine was controlling him. We would get little rest in between the constant beeping of his monitors, blood draws, vital checks and Justin's occasional cries. Darin and I were making plans for work, the kids, going back and forth to home.
Early Tuesday morning, Dr. Hourigan came in to check on Justin. After a few minutes, he asked me to go into the hall with him. I was alone, not only was Darin not there, Dr. Warner was not there and I was feeling lost at what he would need to talk to me about.
Reality, Dr. Hourigan is a kind, knowledgeable man. He put his hand on my shoulder and explained to me the seriousness of Justin's condition.
Justin's appendix had burst, probably about 10-14 days before surgery. The infection had formed abscesses in his abdomen during that time; atleast one of the abscesses had also burst. His quick decent from "not feeling well" to Sunday night was actually a long battle his body had been fighting. Sunday's symptoms were the signs of his body shutting down from the massive amount of infection in his system. Dr. Hourigan's opinion was that on Sunday we were just a few hours away from having a different outcome. Justin was better, but we were a long way from being ok. We would watch his white blood count, the drainage tubes and his temperature very close for the next few days.
I was crushed, not only was I beyond scared for my baby but the guilt of not taking care of one of your children was beyond what I could take. The overwhelming burden of failure would and does linger; thankfully there was not time for that, we had to hold everything together for the rest of our family. And more than ever before we had to be Justin's voice in his healing process now.